Keeping Jewish Identity in an Intermarried World
Why does culture matter, and how can you preserve it?
by Jewish Gentile Couples I May 13, 2025
Now that you and your partner are together, you’re discovering who you are as a couple. Some have said that the nuclear family is the purest form of culture, so in a way, each family forms its own mini-culture.
Yet, it’s the unique identity each of you embodies that drew the two of you together in the first place. It’s important—for both partners—not to take for granted or leave behind the good things that make you “you.” And if (or when) you have children, it will be important for them to know where they came from.
In today’s world, the struggle to preserve Jewish heritage is a very real one. There’s diaspora, there’s intermarriage, and there’s antisemitism. Some say those things will make you forget your Jewish roots.
But the desire to maintain Jewishness is also very real. This is evidenced by the way the Jewish people have kept a unique identity even while facing all these challenges. They’ve maintained a sense of community through millennia and even while being dispersed from their homeland. They’ve held onto shared cultural expressions, religious beliefs, and sacred texts. Some might say that the need to survive has actually lent strength to these efforts.
A 2013 Pew Research study revealed that, of American Jews who are married to a Jewish spouse, 92 percent feel a “strong sense of belonging to [the] Jewish people.” Of those who are intermarried, 59 percent answered “yes” to that question [1]. It’s still more than half!
And often, Jewish people who are intermarried actually have a unique source of support when it comes to preserving heritage. Many Gentile partners exhibit a strong desire to learn about and maintain Jewish tradition. You may find an ally in each other.
Here’s why and how your intermarried family can stay connected to your Jewish roots.
More Than Lox and Bagels
Perhaps you were a child of intermarriage, or your family of origin assimilated for other reasons. Maybe your parents couldn’t agree on a particular faith or culture to pass on to the children. Or maybe they tried, but work, time, and other cultural influences got in the way. So, you were raised in a secular home. Growing up, did you have a desire for a deeper understanding of where you came from?
Jewish people have preserved some foods as a part of collective identity. Bagels and schmear, Sephardic rice with spices, Israeli salad—they invoke memory and bring people together. But food (like language and clothing) forms part of the first layer of culture. If you can shed it easily in order to blend in with your surroundings, and you’re still Jewish, that means there must be something deeper.
And Jewish traditions and foods can be an occasion to look a little deeper. What started them all in the first place?
Take Passover, for example. A common tradition at the seder table is to engage in an ethics discussion. But where did the concern for ethics begin? Surely it was by remembering that the Jewish people were slaves in Egypt, and on this holiday, the birthday of the Jewish nation, God brought them out. (And he gave them some very weird foods to remember the day by!)
So, What Is Jewish Culture?
Among other things, Jewishness is an ethnicity and a culture. Culture has aptly been described as “the software of the mind” [2]. It’s a necessary operating system for communication and doing life. Ethnicity is the hardware. So, while ethnicity doesn’t change, culture is malleable.
And Jewish culture has certainly diversified in beautiful ways over time. (If you ask two Jewish people to tell you their story, you will likely get two very different answers!) But there is one common story at the beginning—the story that set apart a people group.
Abraham was a Chaldean who left his father’s house when the Lord called him on a journey. “I will bless you…so that you will be a blessing” (Genesis 12:2), said God to Abraham. Abraham went, and God promised him more descendants than he could count; more than the stars in the sky [3]. Since then, many times throughout Scripture, those descendants of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob have been called to a similar kind of trust.
That origin story is something that all Jewish people have in common—wherever they are living in the world.
Children of Intermarriage
While there’s a lot of discussion about descent, the biblical stance of Jewish lineage is that Jewish identity is passed down through either parent. Just two examples in the Tanakh: consider Moses and his Midianite wife; read the story of Ruth the Moabitess and her husband Boaz. And if you’re familiar with the New Testament, there is Timothy (who had a Jewish mother and a Greek father).
What approaches, then, are available to intermarried couples when it comes to preserving their children’s Jewish identity? Cross-cultural couples can’t help but choose one of four options: delegate (one partner’s culture dominates over the other), abdicate (parents cannot agree, so they throw in the towel when it comes to teaching culture/religion), cooperate (both parents teach their culture/faith but on a surface level), or integrate (two parents teach their values and culture harmoniously and with depth).
Do you enjoy sharing with your children stories of both heritage and faith? There’s joy in passing down family memories through holiday experiences and reading stories. Children can make family connections through visits with relatives and by sharing family photos. Any opportunities to connect with other Jewish people help children develop their Jewish identity.
Jewish Hope
While it might seem complex to incorporate Jewish identity in your multicultural family life, there are ways! At first, it might seem like a challenge for you and your partner to figure out what this looks like. But before long, you can find that your cultures have blended beautifully in ways you never expected.
Stay connected to your Jewish roots. Keep in mind that Jewish identity has persevered through history—even through times of hardship and instability. That identity can’t be cancelled because it’s guaranteed by a covenant. And it gives your children a story to belong to that’s bigger than themselves. And with so many different ways of expressing Jewishness, chances are, you can find your community to navigate life with. There is hope that comes when you remember your story and find your people!
Endnotes
“A Portrait of Jewish Americans,” Pew Research Center, 10/1/13.
Geert Hofstede, Cultures and Organizations: Software of the Mind (New York: McGraw-Hill), 1997.
Genesis 15:13. For the backstory, see Genesis 12:1–9.
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