Culture: It’s More Than Books and Movies

How do our different cultures impact our relationships?

“He’s Jewish, she’s Christian—how will they ever get along?”

We hear it all the time. And it’s not just a question of belief— though belief is often a big part of it. When interfaith partners struggle to agree, it’s often more an issue of culture.

Culture is more than preferences, and it’s more than what we see on the outside; it dictates the way human beings interact with one another. It comes in layers—from the most visible outer layer to the elements that are so intrinsic, we don’t even think about them. And the deeper you go, the more powerful the pull!

In a sense, the layers of human culture are like the layers of the earth.

On the surface level are the things that are easiest to see—and they are also the easiest to change. The deeper we go, the more solidified we find elements of culture like values, beliefs, and priorities.

When two people in a relationship come from similar cultures, those layers are challenging enough to unpack! How much more challenging it can be when the two of you come from different upbringings.

Here’s what each layer of culture can mean in your Jewish-Gentile relationship.

The Outer Layer

When you use the word culture, you might be referring to books, clothing, movies, and language. These are certainly important elements of culture—but they make up only the surface layer.

The first layer includes the things that you do to fit in with your surroundings which can be easily adapted. Similarly, the top layer of a mountain (grass, trees, flowers) adjusts with the seasons or when a gardener chooses to plant something.

Interfaith couples often need to sift through this layer around the December holidays, especially when Hanukkah and Christmas fall in close proximity to each other. Questions arise like, “Which foods will we cook? What decorations will we use? Which traditions do we observe?”

My colleagues Rebekah and Sam are married to each other, and both come from Jewish-Gentile families. They’ve solved the December dilemma by asking themselves which traditions have the most meaning for their kids, and actively continuing those. So, they do “church Christmas,” but no Santa. They cook latkes and light the menorah. And they read to their children about both faith traditions.

To explore the first layer of culture, try these discussion questions with your partner:

How do you dress differently for a funeral, a wedding, or a date?
In your culture, when is “dressing down” appropriate? (And would your parents answer this question differently than you do?)
In December, how do you and your partner imagine decorating your living space? Do the two of you have different preferences?

The Social Structure Layer

The second layer is the social medium in which we are raised. It is composed of things we learn from authority figures: like manners at school or special foods for holidays. If it helps you navigate social settings, but it’s not deeply personal, it comes from the second layer.

This layer is like the soil that’s underneath the grass in a mountain. It’s the environment in which the outer layer grows. You cannot see it at first glance, but you can if you move some things around! Similarly, our cultural “soil” is a deeper structure that feeds the behaviors we see on the outside.

My friend Laura tells a story about a time when a neighbor baked challah for her dad. The Gentile neighbor spent a ton of time finding an authentic Jewish recipe online. She cared enough to test it before bringing over the perfect loaf. Being unfamiliar with the Jewish holidays, she didn’t realize it at the time—but that week was Passover! Laura’s dad didn’t eat her bread. But he appreciated the generosity!

So, try these discussion questions with your partner:

Name one important celebration in your culture. Who taught you how to navigate that event, and what did they teach you?
How do you address the oldest people in your family?
Are there foods you avoid or enjoy at certain times of the year for religious reasons?

The Personal Values Layer

Personal values come from culture too—both negatively and positively. A couple I’m working with now, Kevin and Dana,* were both raised with religious values. He’s Jewish, and she grew up Catholic. Somewhere along the way, they both decided they lean more spiritual than religious. So rather than attend services at his place or her place, they try to read books together and talk about which traditions they’d like to continue in their home.

Or perhaps you’ve adopted from your upbringing something you do enjoy and made it your own—like the value of hospitality. Maybe your mom (or bubbe or grandma) was always welcoming people, and now that’s important to you!

Either way (whether you’ve chosen to swim along with the current or against it), these personal values make up the third layer of your culture.

They are like the bed of rock that lies underneath the soil. You may not think about them every day, but they form a solid foundation for your habits and behaviors. Rocks are firm and hard to move, but they do shift over time.

Some topics of discussion for you and your partner:

Can you name one area of life where you’ve accepted some cultural values as your own?
How about one behavior or habit that you grew up with—but you’ve intentionally changed for your lifestyle?
How do you make the decision whether to keep or shed a cultural value?

*Names changed

Core Culture

The fourth layer is not actually a layer at all! That’s because it doesn’t layer over anything—it simply is.

Most of us can go many days without thinking about the core of the Earth. The same is true with our deepest level of culture. These are your deeply held convictions that you may not even be able to name. We usually only notice these values when a situation arises that activates them.

Your core culture was taught to you, but maybe unconsciously—it was just part of the fabric of your life.

Actress Ginnifer Goodwin addressed this level of culture in a recent interview with Jonah Platt. She, like many others, explained how she’s become more visibly Jewish since October 7. Her core Jewish value of survival has been tested—but rather than retreat, she’s embraced her identity. She and her Gentile husband are teaching their children to do the same. That’s core culture.

Survival, identity, and decisions around child-rearing? Those subjects sometimes seem too hot to touch—kind of like the core of the earth! (Molten lava that can explode in a volcano? Yes, the core of culture can feel like that.) But the Earth’s core also emits life-giving warmth. In the same way, core culture can be a source that feeds the outer layers.

Change at this level of human culture is possible, but it is very rare. Whether or not you feel that any of your core cultural values could benefit from change, it can be helpful to talk about them.

So, here are some discussion questions for you and your partner:

Do you think you could name one deep value your people group tends to hold in common?
Have you ever observed the core values of another people group?
What do you think is necessary to produce change at this level of culture?

More Than Layers

While culture reflects our personal values, it is obtained and maintained in community. Culture is not something we work out on our own; it’s about how we interact with the people around us.

How to define and incorporate your culture might seem confusing when one of you is Jewish and the other is not. But it’s part of the journey you’re on: a journey to know and be known. And that journey can be fun when we commit to walking it together!

If you’d like to talk to one of our experienced cross-cultural translators, that’s what we do!