How to Connect with Your Intermarried Family Members
Staying close—even when we feel the distance
by Jewish Gentile Couples I January 25, 2026
We all believe that our love for our family is unconditional. But sometimes that love is tested—particularly when our kids make a choice that disappoints us. (And every one of us has done less-than-perfect things at some point in life!)
One way grown children test the unconditionality of their parents’ love is by marrying out, or finding a partner from outside their own culture and faith. And this trend is becoming more and more common—the number of Jewish-Gentile marriages has been steadily increasing since the ’70s.
Jewish-Gentile couples themselves inevitably bump into specific challenges in their relationships. But their family members have questions too. Those questions often start like this: “We raised them to believe a certain way. Now what?”
Well-loved Jewish author Judy Blume illustrates an extreme example of parental disappointment in her 1970 novel Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret. Margaret’s Gentile mother, Barbara, was disowned long ago when she married a Jewish man. Barbara attempts to explain why her parents cut off contact by saying, “Their beliefs were that important to them.”[1] But when Margaret’s grandparents come back on the scene over a decade later, their earlier decision has already reaped what it sowed. Margaret has grown up believing that her grandparents’ values don’t foster connections—they keep people away.
None of us wants the pain of estrangement. But what does it look like to maintain closeness when your child chooses a path you never expected?
Begin at the Beginning
We tend to rush so many things—including finding the answers to our own questions. But maybe when it comes to relationships, the place to start is with the person in front of you.
What questions are the Jewish-Gentile couple in your life asking? What challenges are they facing? Even if they don’t feel distanced by you, their intermarriage may have caused a rift with other family or community members. If that’s the case, it will be extra important for you to be a safe place for them. Understand that you might not understand the isolation they’ve experienced as a byproduct of choosing each other—and try not to add to it!
Of course, most parents would love to share the same faith with their grown children and their families. But whether that level of agreement ever happens, you want the relationship to work for your kids–and for you—for the long haul. In other words, now is the time when your unconditional love is being tested.
What better way to begin at the beginning than by focusing on what we have in common? Here are three things that Jewish people and Christians have in common: hospitality, stories, and the greatest commandment. These are good places to start!
Hospitality
Attend a local synagogue for any length of time, and at some point, you’ll hear the story of Genesis 18—when Abraham welcomed strangers. It’s more than just a well-known story; in Judaism, it’s the ultimate example of hospitality.
Abraham and Sarah worked hard to provide for their guests, to make sure they were comfortable, to give their attention, their time, and the best of their resources.
We’re guessing you are not about to invite your guests into your tent and run out to the barn for lunch. But you may know that the idea of hospitality extends beyond ancient Abraham. Jesus also left us an example when he sat at the table with strangers. Agreement was not a prerequisite for him to sit, talk, and eat with people.
So, here are some ways that you can be hospitable today: invite the intermarried couple over, and when you do, ask your Jewish in-law (or their spouse) if there are any dietary preferences. Some Jewish people keep kosher, but not all, and “kosher” can look different to different people.
If a Jewish holiday is coming up on the calendar, ask questions. Can you participate? Can you have anything special prepared for them when they come to your house during that time? Some common times when family events might overlap include: Christmas and Hanukkah, Passover and Easter, back-to-school and the High Holidays. When your calendars do overlap, ask your Jewish in-law, “Are there ways we can schedule things to make it more possible for you to participate in both?” Even a little thoughtfulness can show your family member that their culture and their faith matter to you. And maybe you’ll even learn a new recipe or two!
Share Stories
There is something special about sharing a story with someone. Maybe you haven’t lived all—or any—of the same experiences. But for the moments that you’re steeped in the same story, you understand each other.
And sharing stories is a way that parents have connected with their children through the ages. At the first Passover, the Lord not only instructed Moses about how to perform the service, but he gave instructions to do so year after year. “And when your children say to you, ‘What do you mean by this service?’ you shall say, ‘It is the sacrifice of the Lord’s Passover, for he passed over the houses of the people of Israel in Egypt…’” (Exodus 12:26–27). Story was the medium for passing down memories, and it still can be.
When Jesus was old enough, he was found sharing stories in the Temple (Luke 2:46). He continued in the tradition of his people, listening and asking questions. And when he himself became a teacher, he walked, talked, and sat with his disciples—and spoke in parables.
You can begin with sharing stories from the foundation that Jewish people and Christians have in common—the Old Testament. If the intermarried couple has children, ask the parents for permission to read some relevant stories to them.
Understand that what seems like a small step to you, such as sitting in the living room and reading from the Old Testament together, may be a very big step indeed for the intermarried couple.
Do Unto Others
What season of life is the Jewish-Gentile couple in your life currently experiencing? Are they dating, preparing for marriage, or in the throes of raising children? Think back to what you needed when you were in that stage. What did your family do (or what could they have done) that would have helped you best? Can you serve in any of those ways to the couple in question now? Or, if you don’t know what they need, you can always ask!
Jesus’ teaching, “Whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets” (Matthew 7:12), is a powerful way for us to live out our faith.
This is a Jewish value too. You may not have heard that one of Jesus’ contemporaries gave advice that paralleled the Golden Rule. Hillel the Elder is quoted in the Talmud as saying, “That which is despicable to you, do not do to your fellow, this is the whole Torah, and the rest is commentary.”[2]
We have seen plenty of intermarried couples and their families coming to a place of peace and true understanding together. But it’s a journey that can take time.
In the meantime, you can remember Hillel’s “do not” advice—and refrain from pressuring or rushing your family members.
Sharing Life
You probably have something in mind for where you’d like this journey to end up. Maybe that looks like bringing the grandkids to church with you, or being able to talk about matters of faith with your in-law. Whatever your “end goal” looks like, try holding it loosely. And take every concern in prayer to the One who loves your family even more than you do.
It is okay if some questions remain unanswered while you navigate the relationships you have now. In the meantime, try living a little. Laugh together. Make some new memories. Pray that you’ll have time to share your story of faith, and time to hear their story too.
Sometimes, sharing your faith simply means sharing your life. The truest parts of you won’t go unnoticed by the ones you love.
Pray for chances to walk together with the Jewish-Gentile couple in your life. God willing, life is long, and family relationships are here to stay. There is time to foster connections, time to grow together. And in the meantime, walk with God.
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End Notes
Judy Blume, Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret (New York: Simon & Shuster, 2022), Kindle 148.
“Quotes on Judaism & Israel: Rabbi Hillel,” Jewish Virtual Library, accessed November 27, 2025.