All Communication Is Cross-Cultural
Three stories of couples who built bridges
by Jewish Gentile Couples I January 31, 2025
When encountering an individual, never assume that you understand that person’s culture. You may have met others who look like them or talk like them … but that doesn’t mean that your person fits in that mold.
That’s because each household is its own unique little subculture. You might think you know your partner’s culture—until you bump up against something that’s unique to them and their family upbringing. Culture is individually learned; that makes it personal.
So, if all communication is cross-cultural—even when people come from similar religious or ethnic backgrounds—imagine the differences that can come up when you knowingly marry someone of another culture. Those of us who are intermarried like to say that we are “living in the lab” of cross-cultural communication.
Here are three stories of intermarried couples like you who encountered cross-cultural differences and not only survived, but thrived.
Teddy and D’vora
How they met: Teddy was born in Ethiopia, where he was raised by loving grandparents. He then moved to Canada at age 12. D’vora is also Ethiopian. Her family was part of Operation Solomon (they made aliyah and moved to Israel) when she was just three years old. There, she was raised in a very traditional, very religious Jewish home.
They actually met in Toronto, CA, where Teddy was working at a mall! When D’vora came in to order food, Teddy noticed that she was struggling with the language. So, he came over to help interpret. When he learned about their similar heritage, he offered to show her around the Ethiopian community in Toronto.
Their challenges were many. Would they be able to communicate together? Though D’vora had been born in Ethiopia, she hadn’t spoken Amharic since she was a little girl. Technically, Hebrew was her first language. So, she and Teddy practiced their English together. Then there was the issue of her visa. Once that was approved, they were able to marry at Toronto City Hall. They prepared to travel to Israel as husband and wife.
But then deeper concerns set in. Would her family accept him? And would she fit in with his side?
One memorable interaction: As it turned out, D’vora had a few family members in Israel who shared Teddy’s Christian faith. So, introducing him to her Jewish household went more smoothly than she’d expected it to.
And this is how D’vora describes meeting Teddy’s family in Edmonton, Canada:
I felt so blessed by the way they accepted me. I naturally didn’t know how they would feel about me being a Jewish woman. One beautiful thing with Christian people, they see the Jewish people and accept us with such a love. I feel like I am one of them and Teddy’s mom is my mom. We have a beautiful relationship.
How they’re resolving challenges: Teddy and D’vora are pros at talking and praying through decisions together. They also honor each other’s family stories and incorporate them into the life they’re now building together.
Their story might encourage you to believe with hope for the future—no matter where you and your partner are coming from.
A Rescue Story: Teddy & D’Vora Lema
Irina and Tim
How they met: Irina grew up in Ukraine in a home that was culturally Jewish, but not religiously so. For instance, she recalls her grandmother cleaning the house thoroughly every spring—but she didn’t realize that this schedule had a connection with Passover! She also says, “We knew we were Jewish because everybody around kept reminding us by making antisemitic remarks.”
Tim is from Minnesota. He’s always pursued music, first as a rocker, and now as a worship leader at his church. When Irina was traveling in the US for speaking engagements, Tim’s pastor introduced the two of them. Tim was immediately drawn to Irina’s faith and intelligence. Irina says it was Tim’s flawless grammar that first caught her interest! They kept in touch long-distance for a year, then married in 2019.
Their challenge: As an adult, Tim learned about the historical Jewish connections of his Christian faith. But he didn’t have many opportunities to interact with Jewish people growing up. Looking back, he says he may have heard conversations where Jewish people were “the butt of the joke,” but didn’t really recognize those jokes for what they were.
One evening when they were getting ready to go out, Tim realized how truly formative antisemitism had been for his wife. Irina was wearing a shirt with a star of David on it and told Tim, “Hold on! I need to go change my shirt!” It dawned on him that her fears were well-founded. But he reminded her that she was safe in their neighborhood. Since then, he’s encouraged her to be proud of her Jewish identity.
One memorable interaction: Tim actually jumped in to help translate when he and Irina were on a call with her friends in Ukraine! Irina had been a professional translator for many years, but when going back and forth between languages, sometimes a word can escape a translator’s mind. The Russian word for bicycle just wouldn’t come to her, and when Tim noticed, he supplied the word velocipede.
He only knows a smattering of words through Irina, so her friends couldn’t believe that he jumped in like that! He says, “My one Russian language triumph in life so far is to say ‘bicycle.’”
How they’re resolving challenges: Tim and Irina each truly enjoy teaching the other about the nuances in their cultures and languages. He relies on her as the expert on being Jewish and Ukrainian; she relies on him as an expert teacher about American ways of doing things.
Their story might inspire you and your partner to commit to lifelong learning as Tim and Irina have done. They ended up seeing their cultures—seeing themselves—through another person’s eyes.
Hope and Healing: Irina & Tim Orf
David and Jennifer
How they met: Dave’s Jewish family moved to Japan when he was young and ended up pursuing spirituality through Buddhism. When he returned to the US as a teen, he reconnected to Judaism.
Jennifer grew up in a Christian family in Indiana. She doesn’t recall having met any Jewish people in her small town. Even the portrayals of Jesus that she knew and accepted growing up were rather goyish (gentile). She says, “Both Jesus and Santa Claus, for all I knew, were from my hometown!”
Dave and Jennifer met in college, and they knew that they were different—but he was attracted to her joy, her faith, and her loving family. She fell in love too (though at first she was convinced that he just needed a friend!).
Their challenge: It took nine years for the two of them to come to a place of agreement about spiritual matters. During that time, David attended church services with Jennifer and she joined in as they celebrated the Jewish holidays with their children.
One memorable interaction: Dave describes their premarital counseling like this:
The pastor sat us down for premarital counseling, which lasted for about … I don’t know … 10 or 15 minutes. It might have been a little bit longer. But he was very concerned about one major point, and that was: don’t spend more than 25 dollars without getting the approval of your spouse. And that was the main point that he pushed. I mean, there was no talk of, “Well, you’re Jewish and she’s Christian ...”
Though they met with both Dave’s rabbi and Jennifer’s pastor, no one really prepared them for the faith-related challenges they would face. No one asked, “What are you going to do about children? How are you going to worship?”
How they resolved it: Together, and over time, they learned that “Jewish” is an ethnicity that doesn’t change, regardless of where you live or how you practice your beliefs. David and the children will always be Jewish.
And through their deepening spiritual walk, they learned that “Christian” is more than an outward lifestyle—it’s an inner belief system. God was more than the God of a church pew in Indiana: He wanted the Goldsteins to know Him as the God of the whole Bible.
Their story can help you think about the goals that you have for your relationship, and how you might get there together.
He’s Jewish, She’s Christian: Dave & Jennifer Goldstein
The Purest Culture
If all communication is cross-cultural, then one worthy goal is to build a bridge of understanding. And that’s what intermarried couples get to do—find the bridges between your two cultures.
Some have said that the family is the purest establishment of culture. So, in a way, as the two of you find ways to communicate, you’re creating your own little culture too.
Being in a relationship where one partner is Jewish and the other is not means you come from different cultural and religious upbringings. But good communication can not only bond you closer to one another; it can also help bring out the best in both of your differences!
How is your communication?
Our coaches help interfaith couples like you with the tricky work of finding cultural and spiritual harmony.